Art by Pastelkatto
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My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Finally!
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably