Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
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*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
No. He’s not coming out to play
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
me linking you to my twitter
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?