My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
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my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet