I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
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Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
This fish is cracking me up
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”