Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
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As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
He’s cranky this morning
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
what’s the point then??
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!