roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
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Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.