*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
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[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.