[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
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The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Beware of fowl play.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?