Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes