A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
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I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning