Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
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Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
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Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism