Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
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Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
forgive me baja for i have blast
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”