My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
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My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
this isn’t threatening at all
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT