My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
You Might Also Like
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
My work here is done
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor