We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
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Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed