DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
You Might Also Like
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.