Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
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Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell