[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
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My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
My ideal weight is five million dollars
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers