Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
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Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually