I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
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[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
wtf is a larm clock?
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.