I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
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No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.