Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
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shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa