Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
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When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I love wikipedia
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you