Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
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Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
beware of dog
(jukin media)
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.