[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
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Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.