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“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself