Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
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My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.