I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
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him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
New tinder profile pic
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Based Erika
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?