The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
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My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Banana is the quietest snack
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again