My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
You Might Also Like
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Current mood: Potato
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list