*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
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[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT