Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
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[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?