my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
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Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg