Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
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The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies