Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
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Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
My dad is at it again
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Me irl
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
No chill.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter