I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
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My nickname in high school was “who?”
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat