wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
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I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?