Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
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[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Every. Damn. Time.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.