Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
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Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb