liiiiiiiiike
You Might Also Like
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Smells like a challenge to me
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.