*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.