You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
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I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
*orders delivery*
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.