Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
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NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?