Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
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My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Just how popey was the pope today?
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma: