FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
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“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Otters see a butterfly.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.