“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
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The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
not to brag, but mine was free