Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
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Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
What about second breakfast?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”