Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
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My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers