wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
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I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
How did people charge their phones before electricity?