“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
You Might Also Like
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
My whole life was a lie.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
not to brag, but mine was free
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.